Dear Dana,
I want a separate bedroom from my husband so I can get some decent sleep, but he thinks it's because I'm not sexually attracted to him. What should I do?
Hey Sleepless,
From one woman who needs her sleep to another … I think you’re onto something! And it turns out, so do a lot of other folks.
According to a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation, almost 1 in 4 married couples sleep in separate beds. Whether that’s due to different sleep or work schedules, snoring, the baby’s all-night feeding schedule, restlessness, insomnia or some other reason, a lot of couples are opting to sleep in separate beds simply to Get. More. Sleep.
And we all know the benefits to getting enough shut-eye.
Mostly, if you get the zzzzs you need, you’ll be in a better mood and are less likely to become irritated, resentful, and ratty with your man when he forgets to take out the recycling or fails to book the babysitter for your date night.
More sleep = better mood = more patience and presence.
Not to mention the other benefits, like getting sick less often, reducing overall stress, thinking more clearly, and lowering your risk of heart disease and diabetes!
So, if your mission really IS to get more sleep, and you’ve conveyed that to your husband — alongside all the true health benefits of it — then I’m wondering what’s really going on with his reaction to your request?
Why does he think that it’s a lack of sexual attraction to him that’s driving your decision?
What’s going on under the surface that’s making him feel insecure, doubtful and distressed?
- Is there a lack of harmony in your sex life?
- Has the frequency of your lovemaking been declining?
- Have you been experiencing routine boredom in the bedroom?
- Has your desire for him slowly decreased over the years?
All these questions are worth exploring, right? So take out your journal and write down your thoughts. Because whether you’ve become a little dissatisfied, a little complacent, or a little less aroused by him — or not! — it’s undeniable that he’s picking up on something.
And so, whatever your truth actually is, I sense there’s an issue brewing in your intimate life that needs to be addressed.
Which means … It's time to sit down and have a talk with your man.
So, pick a night and pour a glass and speak your truth about your desire for a separate room in order to get more sleep.
Ask him to speak his truth on what’s making him think you’re not as sexually attracted to him. Be open, don’t interrupt and really listen to what he says.
And guess what, if what he says about feeling that you’ve lost some sexual attraction for him triggers you? It’s probably because there’s some truth to it.
(Note: Let me clarify that I’m not blaming you for losing some attraction or if you don’t feel as aroused these days or if you just want your own damn space. Marriage is long. And sex can become boring. And it’s not easy to be all hot-and-horny for someone you’ve been with forever and have become so comfortable with. Comfort + eroticism are sort of on opposite sides of the attraction spectrum!)
Once you’ve BOTH spoken your truths and heard one another, I suggest you shift the conversation to brainstorming creative solutions for you to both get (and feel!) what you need.
Here’s a few ideas to get you started:
Can you make sleeping separately feel sexy and exciting? Like you invite him into “your sleeping bedroom” once a week for a sensual adventure before you get your solo beauty rest? Setting a date for sex can be sexy, especially if you commit to trying new things. For example, one week you could play “dress up” and explore role play. Another, you might explore a “hot and cold” theme, with ice cubes and a massage candle. The ideas here are endless.
Can you come to a compromise on your sleeping arrangements? For example, you sleep in your separate bedroom every other night? And you alternate between having sex in “your” bedroom and “his”?
Can you come up with an “intimacy plan” that focuses on your closeness but doesn’t rely on sleeping in the same room? Say, Monday night is for movie watching … Tuesday night is for sex … Wednesday is solo time to replenish as individuals … Thursday night is date night … Friday night is family night … etc., etc.?
I believe that everyone’s needs can be met as long as you communicate effectively and lovingly with your husband.
Because if my spidey-sense is correct, it seems like he’s pining for more sexual attention and nighttime affection from (and with) you. And it’s good he’s expressing that, even if it’s just in reaction to your solo bedroom request.
Now that it’s out in the open, you can work together to evolve both your sleeping arrangements and your sexual connection. And I’d say that’s a win-win.
Good luck with the convo, and I hope you get the rest you’re dreaming of … and some reenergized sex, too!
XOXO,
Dana
ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:
Is It Wrong to Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex With My Man?
My Husband and I Have Sex Every Two Weeks — Are We Getting It On Enough?
Honestly, Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?
How Do I Get Better at Asking for What Turns Me On If I'm Slightly Embarrassed?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
