Ask Dana: My Husband Wants To Try Polyamory, But How Do I Know If It’s Right For Me?

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Dear Dana,

My husband suggested we try being polyamorous and I'm open to the idea; but how do I know if it's right for me?

Dear Open-Minded Mama,

Thanks for writing in because this question is right on time. More and more, I’m hearing from people who are interested in exploring polyamorous relationships.

Polyamory is defined as the practice of loving more than one person and the practice of loving in many ways, i.e. having multiple romantic relationships at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

An open relationship is when partners who are in an established relationship with each other openly agree to see other people. They may do this together, separately, or a combination of both.

Are you confused yet?!

You have every right to be.

The words and phrases are often used interchangeably and so you may first want to seek clarification from your husband on exactly what he’s suggesting so you can really evaluate if it’s right for you.

Either way, these types of non-monogamous relationships are definitely having their moment.

Articles are popping up everywhere with the ups and downs of polyamorous marriages. Twenty-somethings are rejecting monogamy as an outdated construct, instead opting to have multiple relationships at once — consensual non-monogamy is their new normal.

And more power to 'em!

Truth is, monogamy doesn’t work for everyone.

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Expecting to get ALL. OUR. NEEDS. MET. BY. ONE. PERSON? For six-plus decades?! It's a big ask.

Back in the day, people had shorter lifespans, and therefore, shorter marriages. Now that we live well into our 80s+ … the concept of “til death do us part” is questionable at best. As humans, we long for both comfort and freedom. Security and adventure. Exclusivity and variety.

So, your curiosity and desire? Totally normal, natural even!

Only YOU can tune into your heart, soul, gut — and body — to determine if opening your relationship is right for you.

All I can do is offer you some advice on how to make that decision.

Take a look at these notes and questions — think about them, journal about them, and ultimately, dive into hours of honest convos with your man to talk them through.

First, explore the types of multiperson relationships you’re open to.

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Here are some questions to think about:

• Do you want to invite an equal partner into your marriage in an ongoing romantic and emotional relationship?
• Do you each want to have more casual, sexual, non-emotional relationships on the side?
• What polyamorous scenarios fills you with immediate excitement? Which bring a feeling of discomfort or dread?

Next, contemplate the reasons you are considering polyamory.

1. Do either one of you feel that something is missing in your relationship and you’re seeking to fill that void with another partner?

2. Is your marriage very secure and you both have the desire to give love, experience intimacy, and grow romantic connections with others, in addition to your primary partner?

3. Are one or both of you sexually dissatisfied and you’re interested in polyamory as a construct to have sexual experiences with others? What is the source of that dissatisfaction — the quality of sex you’re having, the quantity, both?

4. Are you considering polyamory because you want to accommodate your husband’s desires? Or are you authentically curious and ready to explore it yourself?

Then, contemplate how you might feel as you’re opening your marriage and exploring other relationships.

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• Will you feel jealous? Curious? Excited? Ecstatic with the opportunity of having more sexual/romantic freedom?
• Will you want to hear about your husband’s experiences with others? Will you want to share the pleasures you both experience, as well as the inevitable mishaps and disappointments?
• Will you want to meet one another’s lovers? Hang out together? Engage in relationship together?
• How would you feel if your husband fell deeply in love with another person as part of his journey into polyamory? What if you fall deeply in love with another? Is that a desired goal?
• Could this exploration lead to the breakup of your marriage? How? Does your curiosity outweigh that potential outcome?

I know, it’s a lot — but I highly recommend you think about these things when you ponder a shift to a polyamorous marriage.

In addition to the what's above, I also encourage you to do the following:

• Do a lot of research. Some books you might want to check out are: Jessica Fern’s Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy and/or Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton’s The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyarmory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love.
• Talk a lot about what boundaries each of you would like to put in place in your new encounters and relationships.
• Ask for what you need. Navigating this new world can feel tricky, and stuffing your true desires or honest limitations down never works! In order to avoid resentment or jealousy, make sure to communicate honestly. And of course, listen to your husband’s needs in return!
• Don’t assume polyamory will “fix” your relationship. If it’s broken or even slightly cracked, adding more people into the mix will only complicate things. Make sure you’re both entering this for the right reasons!
• Be clear in establishing ground rules with your partner if you decide to explore consensual non-monogamy. (There are tons of resources out there, like this one.) Check in with each other frequently.
• Know that it’s OK to change your mind. If you explore and love it? Great! If you explore and decide it’s not for you? Express yourself. Perhaps discuss with your partner what you will do if one of you decides monogamy is more your thing than the other.

Non-monogamy works for many …

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… but it can also be messy and complicated. Following your heart is the only way you’re going to end up with the latter. (But, don’t forget, you have a brain for a reason!)

Check in with yourself, check in with your man, and check in with your partners if you take them, as they need your honesty, too.

I hope this helps!

XOXO,

Dana

ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:

Ask Dana: I Miss My Husband. How Do I Handle Post-Pandemic Separation Anxiety?

Ask Dana: My Man Is Starting to Experience Erectile Dysfunction. How Do We Talk About It?

My Husband and I Have Sex Every Two Weeks — Are We Getting It On Enough?

Honestly, Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?

Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].