Hey "Let's Talk About Sex" Mama,
I’m so glad you asked this! Talking about sex and intimacy with our kids is such an important aspect of the parent-child relationship. Yet it’s so much more than the “one-time-birds-and-bees” convo you may have experienced when you were young.
So let’s dive in, shall we?
As far as deciding when is a good time to start answering these questions: The short answer? NOW! Don’t wait for them to start asking you questions. There’s no time like the present to start talking with and educating them.
The longer answer? Ditch the idea that there’s one BIG "sex talk!" Instead, I invite you to start thinking of it as an open, ongoing conversation.
Talking to your kids in a more conversational, frequent, and consistent way is the BEST approach to build trust, normalize the sex convo, and inspire them to think critically and make smart choices as they grow.
If you read that and you’re feeling a little stuck on how to get started, not to worry.
I put together a list of my top five tips to keep in mind as you start having regular conversations with your kids on the topic of sex, relationships, and intimacy.
1. Honesty is the best policy.
As cliche as this one sounds, it really is a big-hitter in the sex conversations department. There’s a real danger in replying to inquisitive minds with vague analogies, metaphors, or mistruths. It can set our littles up for a lot of confusion.
On this front, I say put aside your own discomfort to put truth on the pedestal. Use anatomical terminology. Respond with direct answers. Share real stories and general examples from your own relationship.
And if you don’t know something or can’t find the words, you can be honest by trying something like “You know sweetie, Mommy isn’t sure how to help you understand that right now. I promise to come back to this question so we can talk about it more.”
2. Focus more on the HOW.
I find that for myself, when I focus on the HOW, I can relax a little bit about the WHAT. This means that HOW I speak to my kids about sex is the real focal point.
As parents, we can prioritize the HOW by listing out how we want these conversations to feel for us and our kids, like this: “I want to create a space where my kids feel comfortable asking questions and are confident they’ll get a real answer.”
Doesn’t this HOW approach feel better than trying to figure out what all the “right answers” are? Take a moment and write down HOW you’d like these conversations with your kids to feel.
3. Remember the WHY.
One great tool for getting past the discomfort that sometimes comes along with this topic is remembering WHY it’s so important to our kids. For me, my aim is to empower my children with knowledge and a deep understanding of their bodies so that they feel confident and empowered.
I want to convey that pleasure is a healthy part of being human, and that sex and sexuality should not be feared or repressed or cloaked in embarrassment. I want them to know what a healthy relationship looks and feels like, full of love, respect, and communication.
Bottom line: I want them to know that sex is one of the most normal, healthy, honest, and healing human experiences available to us.
4. Tailor to their level and realize there’s always an age-appropriate way.
Start having age-appropriate conversations about ALL the topics. Things like consent, body awareness, affection, and safety are all topics that can be discussed at young ages.
For example, when talking about consent, you can say “If you don’t want to be tickled, you can say, ‘No, I don’t want to be tickled’ so that your friend knows to stop.”
You can introduce correct words for both male and female anatomy. You can show your kid that they can show affection by offering a wave, a high five, or a hug, and then letting them choose the level of physical or non-physical affection they’d like to offer.
Use your own mama wisdom to discern what topics of conversation your kids are ready for, but know that the conversation itself can be started in little ways, right now.
5. Treat it like an evergreen conversation, not a one-time “sex talk."
Shifting our thinking from a one-time "talk" to having continual, comfortable, and open conversations about all the topics is great for the whole household.
Why? Because it sets a precedent that your kids can come to talk to you about even the most challenging things. And so don’t just have one big talk, have LOTS of little conversations about all the topics, like these:
- Body awareness and self-image
- Trusting your own instincts to keep you safe, and how to listen to them
- What healthy sexual relationships do and do not look like
- The reality and dangers of pornography
- Nudity, phones, privacy, and internet safety
The list goes on and on! And it’s up to you to decipher which topics are right for the moment. But you’re not on your own. There are countless books and resources out there to help you. You’re really just a Google search away from feeling more prepared and supported as you broach all the subjects!
So, that’s my take. It’s never too early — or too late — to start.
And while it’s important that you are ready to answer your kids’ questions as they come up, remember that there’s no need to fit everything into a single conversation.
Good luck and may the force be with you!
XOXO,
Dana
ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:
My Husband and I Have Sex Every Two Weeks – Are We Getting It On Enough?
When Shifting From Mom Mode to Sexy Mode, How Can I Tap Into My Sultry Side?
How Do I Get Better at Asking for What Turns Me On If I'm Slightly Embarrassed?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
