After having kids, it can feel like you’re a totally different person. Maybe your days are full of diaper changes, wiping up spit-up, and rocking a tiny human to sleep. Or perhaps you’re running from soccer practice and band rehearsals to dental checkups and parent-teacher conferences.
Getting intimate with your partner is probably the last thing on your mind when you hit the hay, regardless of how long you’ve been in the parenting game. But, if your sex life is hanging on by a thread, you might still feel like there’s something missing from your days. Sometimes it might seem impossible, but trust us, you can start feeling sexy again. Here are 10 tips to rediscover your sexuality after having kids:
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1. Let Go of Expectations
Heather Shannon, LCPC, CST, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and host of the Ask A Sex Therapist podcast says her first suggestion for new moms is to let go of the expectation that things will go back to normal.
During pregnancy and after giving birth, your body has been through an intense experience. Organs have moved around. Your hormones have fluctuated wildly and your vagina feels different.
“You’re taking care of other humans and have less sleep and time for yourself. Your partner is also under more stress and there’s less time for you to relax and decompress on your own schedule let alone have romantic date nights,” says Shannon.
2. Be Patient With Yourself
Take it slow and be patient with yourself. Shannon recommends allowing yourself to grieve the changes to your body, if needed.
“This does NOT mean hating on your body, but it’s OK to have feelings about the changes. Sometimes allowing ourselves to grieve changes can actually be the catalyst to moving forward and feeling more comfortable in your own skin,” says Shannon.
3. Reconnect With Your Body
A great starting point is reconnecting with your body. Practices like yoga, dance, or somatic exercises can help you feel more confident and strong. This is your excuse to pamper yourself with self-care such as massages, baths, or skin care routines that help you nurture your physical self and remind you of your sensuality. This is effective no matter how far along you are postpartum — weeks, months, or years.
4. Embrace Your Current Identity
Motherhood changes how you see yourself, so embrace your current identity rather than trying to go back to how you felt before having children. Reflect on what makes you feel confident, sexy, or empowered now. These feelings may have evolved, and that’s perfectly OK. Remember, you can’t compare yourself today to your pre-kids self.
Shannon suggests carving out an hour of alone time here or there because often moms feel resentful about connecting with their partner if they haven’t even had a moment to themselves yet. This could be used to read a book, go to the gym, or talk on the phone with a friend.
5. Plan Date Nights
Dr. Jennifer Litner, sexologist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness shares that one of the hardest things for new parents is making the time — physically and mentally — to have sex, and the cadence may not be what it used to be before becoming a mom.
“Focusing on the quality of your interactions, not the frequency can help. Adjusting to this new normal can be difficult for some people — so don’t be afraid to reach out to a sex therapist for support if needed,” Dr. Litner tells CafeMom.
Shannon suggests getting some date nights back on the calendar. See if family or friends can help with child care or get a recommendation for a good babysitter from other parents at your kid’s school.
“A lot of people object to spending money on babysitters, but this is really a game changer for relationships and very worthwhile,” says Shannon.
6. Explore New Things
Dr. Litner says this can be a good opportunity to explore new sensations including toys and erotica. Sometimes our bodies need a little more (or less) stimulation than they used to after having a child, and that’s quite common.
Don’t shy away from trying new things. Whether it’s watching romantic or sensual films, or even experimenting with role-play, curiosity can reignite passion and excitement. Sometimes stepping into a playful or fantasy-based scenario can make it easier to access parts of yourself that feel dormant.
7. Address Mental & Emotional Blocks
If you find mental or emotional blocks holding you back — such as guilt, body image concerns, or anxiety — consider seeking support through therapy or coaching.
A mental health professional can help you unpack and process these feelings in a safe, supportive environment. Mindfulness practices like meditation can also help you stay present and reduce stress, which often interferes with intimacy.
8. Communicate With Your Partner
Open communication is key in these moments — talk to your partner about your needs, fears, and desires. Vulnerability often deepens connection and can pave the way for exploration.
Shannon says that figuring out your body on your own can help you know how to communicate your desires and boundaries with your partner. She suggests solo play such as guided masturbation while listening to spicy audiobooks from Dipsea.
“Use your fingers and try a few toys to see what types of sensations you most prefer. See a pelvic floor physical therapist for pain issues (which are extremely common and not talked about enough),” advises Shannon.
9. Redefine Intimacy
Shannon says to keep in mind that intimacy is so much more than penetrative sex. It could be just holding each other and talking about your feelings. It could be having a make-out session. Or it could be penetration, if you want that.
“The point is — don’t pressure yourself to make intimacy something specific. Tune into your authentic desires and communicate those,” says Shannon.
10. Consult Your Medical Provider
For moms who experience persistent issues with sexual dysfunction, seeking medical advice is an important step. Hormonal changes, childbirth, and the stresses of parenthood can all contribute to challenges in this area. Talking to a doctor or a sexual health specialist can provide insight, support, and potential treatments tailored to your needs.
Rediscovering your sexuality is about self-discovery, healing, and permission to prioritize your pleasure and desires again. Every mom’s path will look different, but with intention, exploration, and support, it’s a journey worth taking.
