Over the years, I’ve heard several pastors say the same thing about orgasms: It’s the closest feeling that anyone will have to heaven while living on this planet. Whether you believe there’s a heaven or not — hey, you’ve gotta admit that the comparison sounds pretty amazing.
Although I definitely find climaxing to be the kind of mind-blowing pleasure that’s actually kind of difficult to put into words, I personally think that orgasms hold a deeper and more profound purpose than just getting a physical release. Because let’s be real: We can make that happen without the assistance of anyone else.
To me, when two people love each other, come together, and are able to please each other on this kind of level, it speaks to strong desire, it speaks to selflessness, and it speaks to making a bliss-filled connection.
This is why I’m not big on faking orgasms. Even though I know that 80% of women have admitted to faking it — and I get that some of the reasons why (like not wanting to make their partner feel “bad” or even to “hurry things along”) — to me, none are good enough to remain in that kind of rut.
In my mind, when you’re experiencing intimacy with your spouse, denying your own full pleasure to keep their ego intact or, worse, speeding things up so you can turn over and call it a night — should be the last things on your mind.
There are several reasons why I think faking orgasms isn’t just bad for you personally but it’s probably putting cracks into the foundation of your relationship too – whether you realize it or not. Here are a few …
Faking Is a Form of Lying
No one likes to be called a liar. I get it. But is there really a workaround for the fact that faking an orgasm is indeed lying about the fact that you had one? I mean, the mere definitions of fake include “prepare or make something specious, deceptive, or fraudulent” and “to conceal the defects of or make appear more attractive, interesting, valuable, etc., usually in order to deceive." And to deceive?! Deception is not just about misleading someone; peep what else it means: “to be unfaithful to (one's spouse or lover)."
It's not something that’s talked about a lot, but I mention it in my sessions with couples pretty often. Infidelity isn’t the only way to be unfaithful to your spouse. If you vowed to be honest and true and you’re acting like you’re hitting the peak of pleasure and aren’t … that’s being deceptive. By definition, that is being unfaithful. I know that might be a bit of an “ouch,” but sometimes the truth has to hurt so we can do some internal shifting for the better.
Faking Can Also Be a Form of Manipulation
One of my former clients once said to me that she fakes “all of the time” because when her man feels like he’s “gotten her there,” it’s easier for her to get what she wants out of him. I don’t know how this can be explained any other way than being a form of manipulation — and who wants to be manipulated in a relationship?
I mean, how would you feel if you found out that your husband has been faking orgasm for years (it happens more than you think; more on that in a bit) to get you to be nicer to his mom or to run some of the last-minute errands that he has? That would suck, right?
Telling someone that they made you feel amazing during sex just so you can play mind games afterward? I’m hoping that the wife I mentioned is the exception and not the rule. (She’s divorced now, by the way.) Either way, a man by the name of Ron Pratt once said, “Playing with people’s feelings through manipulation is a way to control their hearts.” People who seek to control someone else? There’s nothing loving about that, no matter what their motive or intentions might be.
Heads Up: There’s a Chance That He Could Be Faking Too
Life does indeed have its boomerangs. And when it comes to faking orgasms, I always find it to be fascinatingly hilarious when a woman in one of my sessions will shrug off the fact that she fakes orgasms, only for me to turn around and ask her partner if he has ever faked it with her — only for her to get p—ed when he says “yes."
So, why is it OK for you to fake it and not him? Exactly.
Here’s the reality too — reportedly, 1 in 4 men have admitted to faking orgasms before, and it’s oftentimes for the same reasons women do. It’s kind of another message for another time that just because a man ejaculates, that doesn’t automatically mean that he’s climaxed. However, the main points that I want to drive home here are these:
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Egos need to be checked at the bedroom door.
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No one needs to assume that just because they are physically present for sex that their partner is getting all of their needs met.
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Faking orgasms isn’t a market that only women have cornered. Not by a long shot. And if two people are in a room deceiving one another, love isn’t being expressed … and that’s beyond sad. It’s actually pretty tragic.
Faking Creates an 'Intimacy Wall'
Speaking of tragic, one wife told me that she’s been faking it for so long that she’s becoming sleep-deprived. That’s because she will have sex with her husband, fake an orgasm, wait for him to fall asleep, and walk into their guest room to use her vibrator so he won’t hear it/her.
How exhausting is that? And what I shared with her is all that she’s doing is building a bigger wall between her and her husband, because how can you go years without getting your sexual needs met and not end up feeling some levels of resentment? That oftentimes will transform into bitterness if you’re not careful.
Intimacy between married people should tear down walls, not create barbed-wire fences. But if you’re not being open and honest with your spouse, distance between the two of you is exactly what you’re creating. And when there’s distance in the bedroom, it’s only a matter of time before it manifests … elsewhere.
How Can He Get It Right if He Doesn’t Know He’s Got It Wrong?
If any men are tiptoeing in to read this, I’m gonna be honest about something: There is a pretty telling way to know if a woman is faking a vaginal orgasm or not. If her vaginal walls do not contract … guess what? It’s important for you to know that so you can remain present and not just look for sounds and outward body movements.
Still, this doesn’t let women off of the hook. That said, if there’s one thing that semi-triggers me in counseling sessions, it’s this assumption of a lot of wives that if their man is truly into them, he should be able to read their minds. That’s not fair or realistic.
So no — it shouldn’t be assumed that your husband should know how to please you if you’re not telling him how to do it. And to get upset that after he finishes, he rolls over with a smile on his face and falls asleep? I mean, what do you expect him to do? You gave an Oscar-worthy performance so he thinks he did his part.
I’m not saying that telling your spouse you haven't been honest isn’t going to put a bit of a dent into his ego. But let me tell you the sign of a good man — he’s more concerned that you felt you couldn’t tell him that you were faking it than he thought he was pleasing you all of this time. And besides, being that open with him creates a level of emotional intimacy that will help the two of you in the bedroom. Trust me.
Faking Orgasms Is Something I Could Go On About Forever
For now, I hope that you get that if you’re doing it, there’s no time like the present to stop. Oh, and if you do decide to tell your husband — and you should — please don’t do it in the bedroom. I stand with interior designers who say that bedrooms are only for sex and sleep. Not arguments and family business meetings.
Do tell him, though. And with a little time and honesty, you may be well on your way to the real thing. And no more faking it.
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
