When people say that you’re not just creating a life with a partner but with their whole family, it’s so true. No matter how much you love your spouse, you have to think about how their extended family plays a part in your life together. Everything could be fine, and the family will be respectful. But sometimes, you get the type of in-laws who don’t seem to understand your new family unit. One woman shared that she’s afraid to have kids because of her overbearing in-laws, more specifically, her MIL.
She and her long-term partner have been together for a few years.
The woman took her MIL woes to the JustNoMIL Reddit forum. She wasn’t looking for advice – just some sympathetic ears to tell her story. She and her partner aren’t yet married, but they do live together.
“I understand that when you marry someone you’re marrying into their family but my partner is a great person despite his mother,” she wrote. The woman had “many different reasons” for thinking that her overbearing MIL would only get worse if she became a grandma.
“The thought of my children sharing DNA with her bothers me because what if they inherit her personality???”
The MIL seems like she needs a lot of attention from her son.
The woman called her MIL a “time hog,” explaining that her partner and his mom have scheduled weekly video calls. “My partner knows this bothers me and I blew up on him about this the other day,” she explained.
She’s afraid to have kids because she’s worried that she will be forced to see her MIL even more than they already do. “I probably see HER more than my own mom/family because she’s always finding excuses to come see my partner and I,” she explained in her post. “I’m worried she’s going to try to make my kids more ‘her family’s’ if that makes sense.”
There was also a lot of unsolicited advice.
Honestly, there’s nothing more frustrating than an older family member who thinks they know everything. It only gets more annoying when you throw pregnancy and raising a child into the picture.
“She thinks she’s the expert on EVERYTHING. In the past she’s even made comments trying to pitch my partner against me and make me seem like I’m the bad guy when I didn’t do anything malicious,” she wrote. Apparently, MIL also has a fondness for the term “It’s not fair,” regardless of circumstances.
The OP also shared fears of being forced to raise her kids in her MIL’s religion despite her desire to raise her kids without it. She was also concerned about being able to choose her own nursery theme and how she would make room for her MIL’s love of free items.
Commenters came through with a solid variety of advice.
“Honestly, your anxiety’s justified. MIL sounds like a full-time, unsolicited life coach nobody asked for. Kids or no kids, boundaries will be your best friend, because she’s not just gonna dial it back on her own,” one person wrote. “If she’s already this invasive, parenting with her in the mix is a battlefield. Start setting limits now, or get ready to fight forever.”
“I hate to say it but the issues are not with the ILS but with your partner. They need to set clear boundaries—but it sounds like he is enmeshed with them and cannot/will not set any boundaries,” someone else wrote.
“Girl. You and your partner both need to establish boundaries with her, and your partner needs to let his mom know through his words and actions that he chooses you first always and that you’re his priority now,” another person wrote. “If he has problems of enmeshment with his mom, I would go ahead and start couple’s and individual therapy now before throwing a baby in the mix.”
