Being a stepmom can be a challenge on several levels. There is the process of getting to know (and hopefully love) someone else's child. There is the work of building a functional relationship with the child's mom. All of this can involve tricky emotional work and figuring out when and how to be more of a "mom" figure, and when to take a step back to avoid stepping on the mom's toes. And there is all of the work and hope and anxiety about not becoming anyone's evil stepmom.
And then there is the sheer frustration of seeing some other stepmom out there, giving all stepmoms a bad name!
One stepmom is really making stepmothers everywhere look bad, recently wrote into the AITA forum on Reddit with her story of casual cruelty combined with a healthy dose of weight shaming and perpetuating toxic diet culture when it comes to her 6-year-old stepdaughter. Warning: this one should make anyone who has ever been judged for not having "perfect" eating habits or for their weight (so, all of us, basically?) spitting mad!
The original poster is smug about her choices when it comes to food and movement.
OP, who has two sons, explains that she and her husband are "a healthful household" who make sure they stay "very active and every day strive to get the boys moving." She is quite pleased to report that she enjoys monitoring and policing the foods eaten in her house and writes: "We make a distinction between foods that are healthy and ones that aren't. When I see one of the kids reaching for a 'treat' food in the pantry I'll ask 'would you like to make a healthier choice?'"
Apparently, in OP's world, it is never too early to start food shaming kids! Thanks, we hate it.
But OP's true body shaming side comes out when she talks about her stepdaughter and the girl's mother. She stated that when it comes to food, "Her mother has the exact opposite attitude. In all honesty that woman's blood type is probably ketchup." Wow!
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OP's stepdaughter recently had a birthday.
The little girl happened to be at OP's house that weekend, and that's where things get even worse. The little girl, who she calls Gwen, quite reasonably wondered about what kind of cake they might have to celebrate.
OP, who feels that Gwen is heavy for her age, decided that this was an excellent opportunity to food shame the girl, explaining, "I asked Gwen about the healthier choice. My reasoning is unfortunately she's still getting all that garbage at home, and it's just not good for a growing girl."
Ma'am: It is her birthday and she is turning 6.
According to OP, the girl agreed to have some low-fat ice cream instead, and OP was sure the child was happy with the choice.
Then the girl's mother called and let loose.
OP's feelings were hurt when she "called us furious." "She said then when Gwen got home and she asked about her birthday with us and her cake, Gwen started crying because she really did want cake but didn't want to 'make a bad choice'. She accused me of fat shaming her and her daughter and that I owe her a cake and a big apology," OP wrote.
Yep, we are very Team Gwen's Mom over here.
OP tried to justify what she did by explaining that, "I'm just looking out for the health of a child in my care, but I never said Gwen couldn't have cake and she could have had one if she said she wanted one. I suggested sticking to ice cream because I care." Reddit wasn't buying it.
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OP is creating the perfect condition for a future eating disorder.
With over 5,000 people leaving comments for OP, it was clear that almost everyone felt like little Gwen should have gotten her birthday cake. More than that, the comment section was united in concern that OP was setting up the girl for a lifetime of anxiety around food.
"The poor child is 5-years-old," one person noted. "OP needs to just stop commenting on her stepdaughter's diet, period. Just based on OP's attitude here, I'm worried this little girl is going to develop an [eating disorder] by her pre-teens. I can absolutely understand why the Mom was furious. Dad needs to step up and set some hard boundaries with his wife."
"The 'good and bad' is just plain horrible especially for a 5 year old," commented someone else. "It adds a moral value to food and the poor girl didn't want to make a 'bad choice' it's a slippery slope to where the girl might end up viewing her self-worth based on how 'good' her food choices are. She's already feeling guilt which is why she chose the healthier ('good') choice."
We can only hope that OP takes a good, long look at her own relationship with food and how she might be making all her kids develop messed-up relationships with food and anxiety about weight. Until she does that, she'll be the official jerk in this situation in our book.
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