Every June we acknowledge and celebrate Pride month in support of our LGBTQ+ friends and family. And even though we love all the rainbows and parades and fun, it's critical to remember that Pride started as a protest and as a cry for acceptance, legal rights, and freedom. So, in addition to being the celebration of the fact that love is love and that all identities and orientations should be celebrated, it's also a time when a lot of young people may consider coming out to their families.
It also may be a time for young adults who've been out for a while to remember how their parents handled the early days of knowing they had an LGBTQ kid.
Ideally, all parents should want to do the best possible job of making sure their kids feels loved and supported as they figure out and embrace their sexual orientation and/or gender expression.
Side note: Parents who aren't interested in accepting their kids if they are LGBTQ need to step up, deal with their issues, and become the ally their kids need.
We talked to 16 young adults (ages 18 to 25) who got real and candid with us about what their parents got right about having a kid with an LGBTQ identity and what they could have done differently or better along the way. Read on for good advice from young adults who are joyfully celebrating Pride this year and hoping their parents will be celebrating with them!
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Don't Stress
"I wish that my parents hadn’t been so stressed about having to figure out what my being pansexual meant or, like, what to do about it. When I came out, they had a million questions about who to tell, what it meant, was I really gay, blah blah blah. My sexual orientation isn’t like some problem that needs to be solved." — Ashley W.
Too Much Pride?
"My parents were supportive. VERY supportive. Obnoxiously supportive, almost. I came out as a lesbian on Monday and by Wednesday my mom had a Pride bumper sticker on her car, had bought out the whole Pride section at Target, and joined like four parents of LGBT kids groups. It was both sweet and overwhelming. I kind of wish they’d had a little more chill about all of it." — Amanda D.
Eye Roll Moment
"When I told my mom I was gay she said ‘But you’ve had girlfriends since kindergarten!’. The girlfriends I had before I hit puberty don’t actually count as evidence that I’m secretly straight, mom! She’s fine now but it was kind of an eye roll moment during my big coming out reveal." — Joshua F.
Sex Talk Fail
"I wish my parents had talked to me more about safe sex in the context of male/male relationships. I’m bi and they gave me plenty of info about how to not get someone pregnant but nothing about condoms for sex that won’t result in pregnancy. I Googled to find out and ended up being exposed to A LOT of porn that I wasn’t really ready to see." — Jake J.
Don't Cry
"Parents: Please don’t cry when your kid says they are gay or queer. And if you need to process your feelings about worrying that this means you won’t get grandkids, do that on your own time! It’s hard enough to come out sometimes without feeling like you have to comfort them." — Sarah F.
No Lying
"The worst thing my parents did was to ask me to keep my identity a secret from some super religious extended family members. It made me feel like they were choosing to make bigots more comfortable than making me feel safe. That sucked and I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy about it." — Jamie J.
For Sure
"I think the most frustrating thing was that my parents kept asking me if I was sure. Hello! Yes, I'm sure. My life would be easier if I wasn't gay, so trust me that I wouldn't be coming out if I thought there was any chance I wasn't attracted to men. I'm for sure gay." — Anthony W.
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Slow Your Roll
"I told my parents I was a lesbian on Monday and I swear everyone they'd ever met knew by Friday. I wish they'd taken a moment to let me decide who I wanted to tell and when I wanted to tell them. They kind of steamrolled my agency there." — Name withheld by request
Just Google It
"My mom tried. Really. She was trying to be so supportive and chill about having a lesbian daughter that she kind of overshot and ended up asking lots of really invasive questions about the mechanics of how I might have sex someday. Mom, just Google it. I don't want to have to draw a diagram." — Molly B.
The Wrong Kind of Me Too
"Oh god, my story is SO awkward. It is the wrong kind of "me too" story. My dad walked in on me when I was watching lesbian porn on the family computer (I was young, horny, and stupid). We had a very uncomfortable conversation where I confessed I liked watching lesbian porn and he said 'Well, yeah, I do too!'. Dad, no." — Teri J.
Can't Pray It Away
"The worst thing my parents did was try to make me pray my gay away. I was 16 when I told them that I thought I might be gay. They made me go to a special youth group for non-straight kids and it wasn't like full conversation therapy, but it was still really bleak." — Hannah M.
You Too?
"I had the experience of coming out as bi three years after my brother came out as gay. It was a really significant moment for me but my parents were so whatevs about it. It was just 'Oh, you too? Cool' and while it was nice that they were cool about it, it also felt like they kind of didn't get that it was still a big deal to me." — Lana R.
Just a Name
"When I told my parents I was trans, I wasn't expecting that my mom was so upset that I'd chosen a new name for myself without letting them weigh in on the choice. I wish they'd just embraced my new name and done their grieving about the death of my old name on their own time." — Maxwell F.
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Don't Freak Out
"It sounds so obvious, but I wish my parents hadn't freaked out so much. They made the jump from hearing I was gay to asking if I was worried about getting HIV REAL QUICK. Which is such an offensive question and place to get to, especially when I was only 17 and hadn't even kissed a boy yet." — Name withheld by request
Yes, It Is a Real Thing
"I wish my parents had realized that there is a difference between asking a question to understand something better and questions that make me feel small and like they didn't believe me. They really didn't believe that asexuality was real and asked so many questions that made me feel like I was lying or something. Here's my tip: Listen first, Google your questions." — Arly W.
Grandchild Demands
"I'm not kidding, my parent's third question (after 'are you sure?' and 'are you really sure?') was 'You know you can still give us grandchildren, right? You have options now.' So supportive (eye roll!). But really, don't worry so much right away about all of the things that the future might hold. Just give love and support and we'll figure it out along the way." — Marcus T.
*Disclaimer: The advice on CafeMom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
