On paper, my husband and I have done everything right when it comes to giving “the talk” to our kids. First, we didn’t just have one big sex talk. We started with answering questions about body parts honestly and clearly from the time the kids were old enough to start wondering out loud why mama didn’t have a penis or why babies drink from nipples.
We’ve never made sex or body stuff seem embarrassing or dirty or something to be ashamed of. We’ve aimed for body and sex positivity and have been clear that we want the kids to eventually have lots of great consensual sex when they are adults. And, of course, we’ve always been clear that love is love and that whatever sexual orientation they might have, we’re here to celebrate it.
Sounds like we should be getting “Sex Talk Champions: Midwest Region” trophies, right? Well, maybe not.
When one of the kids came out as gay, it was a no-drama moment for our family. It wasn’t so much a surprise announcement as a confirmation of something we’d thought was the case for a long time. My husband and I reaffirmed our love, shared our joy to know something more about him, and immediately asked if he was dating someone. (Parents gotta parent.) And as we talked more, it slowly dawned on me that I’d actually really screwed up when it came to “the talk.”
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Although I think I hit the mark for talking about sex in an unashamed way, I’d also been way too heteronormative.
Sure, we’d talked about the fact that some people are gay and that there are a lot of ways to make a family and all that good stuff, but most of the nitty-gritty conversations still started from a place of assumed heterosexuality. We spent a lot of time talking about consent (which is so key to talk about) but I’d always used boy/girl examples, totally ignoring that enthusiastic consent is crucial in queer relationships, too.
I don’t think we ever talked about sexual assault or violence as something that can happen within same-sex relationships, which is real missed moment and a reflection of the really gendered language I used when we talked about sex.
We talked about safe sex, but not with the right examples.
When we first started talking about safe sex, I’d talk both about pregnancy prevention and reducing risks of STIs, but those conversations still started from a position of assumed heterosexuality. In hindsight, we shouldn’t have made an assumption about sexual orientation and should just have talked more about what safe sex means beyond the “penis in vagina” mode of sex.
Would it have been a little more uncomfortable to talk openly about oral or anal sex? Maybe. But not talking more about that means we missed a chance to share some important information (and, obviously, heterosexual people have oral and anal sex too, so that should be a standard part of every safe sex convo).
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There can be a gap between when kids know or suspect they are gay and when they tell their parents. That means it should be on us to present sex info that covers all possibilities.
With the gift of hindsight, I can see all the other ways I was unintentionally heteronormative. When we talked about porn, I talked about our concerns about how women are often portrayed in porn and about how unrealistic porn was in terms of learning about how sex works. But we didn’t talk about what he might encounter while watching gay porn, which has its own set of issues.
To the extent we talked about virginity as a thing to be “lost” (which we didn’t very much, because that language itself is pretty shame-based), I’m sure I framed it in a penis and vagina context and didn’t stop to consider how to frame that for someone whose sexual future might not ever include a vagina.
The benefit of having multiple children is that we still have a chance to get it right for our younger kids.
Our youngest child just turned 10 and is on the cusp of puberty. Even though we’ve already had some dialogue with her about the basics of sex and what to expect with puberty, we still have plenty of ground to cover.
This time, I’m going to learn from my mistakes and will make sure she gets the information she’ll need in the future, regardless of what her gender or sexual orientation might be. I’m committed to winning that “Sex Talk Champions” trophy back, one way or another!
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