Ask Dana: How Can I Get My Husband To Help Around the House So I Can *Want* Him Again?

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Dear All Chored Out,

The truth is, I’ve never met a mom who hasn't harbored some kind of resentment toward her partner that’s directly related to how domestic responsibilities are divided between them.

And let’s be real: Resentment is on the opposite side of the spectrum from attraction!

But you’re not alone here, Mama.

The overwhelming majority of moms I talk to tell me that they’re the ones in charge of getting groceries, cooking dinner, picking up the kids after school, making sure they get their homework done, and playing taxi to soccer games and karate practice.

And even though more fathers are sharing domestic and child-rearing responsibilities than ever before, it’s hard to deny that mothers continue to take on more — and quite possibly, get thanked less. So it’s no surprise that resentment begins to fester.

Because who wants to have sex when you’re holding a grudge?

If left unaddressed, your resentment can simmer until it damages your friendship, strangles your sex life, and squeezes the life right out of your relationship.

And apparently you know this, because you were motivated to write to me and make a change! Well, I know there’s still plenty of sex, love and happiness to be had.

But you’ve got to ASK for the help you need.

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You’ve got to remind your partner to offer his support. You’ve got to give him the opportunity to be your hero! (Trust me: Generally speaking, men respond to requests to be a hero.)

And yet, you’ve got to ask in a way so that your man will hear you, respond positively, and give you the help you deserve. (And when you do, you’ll see your turn on start to flourish again!)

Here’s a tried-and-true technique to try:

When asking for help, use the words "Would" or "Will."

This simple-yet-ultra-effective communication tool is based on the advice of John Gray, a relationship expert and author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Gray says that the most common mistake women make when asking for support is the use of the words “could” and “can” instead of “would” and ”will.”

Could you change the baby’s diaper? is an indirect question collecting information. Obviously, he can. He has two hands and knows how to fasten a diaper. Would you please change the baby’s diaper? is a direct request that lets him know exactly how he can help you.

When you say “would you” or “will you,” you’re giving your spouse the opportunity to give you what you need, to be your hero in that moment. Gray also emphasizes the importance of being brief and direct in requests, instead of lengthy and indirect, to make your message clear.

Trust me on this one: Using “would you” and “will you” is the first step to releasing the resentment and reclaiming your TURN ON!

Now, if you’re reading this and your gut reaction is 'Why do I have to ask him to do things he should just do automatically?!' I get it.

But ask yourself this simple question: “Would I rather clearly ask for and receive the help I need, or sit around stewing in resentment while expecting him to be a mind-reader?”

The answer on that one feels pretty simple to me.

So take a moment to figure out what you want and need by way of help around the house. Write these things down if it’s helpful.

Then, each day, pick one thing you need that will lessen your resentment toward him and make you feel more supported, appreciated, and loved. Invite him to be your hero by asking for it using a brief, direct “would you” or “will you” question.

Watch the magic happen as he rises to meet your requests.

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And when he does, I beg of you: Show your appreciation! Express your gratitude loud and clear, in a heartfelt and generous manner.

I hope this helps you change the dynamics of your relationship as it relates to sharing domestic duties — and inspires you to feel that sensual spark once again.

XOXO,
Dana

ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:

Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?

I'm Thinking About Bringing Toys Into the Bedroom. Where Do I Start?

I Want to Push Boundaries in the Bedroom, But What If I Freak Out My Spouse?

Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].