Dear Dana,
My husband and I have been together for years and I want to explore a bit of BDSM. How do I bring this up and how do we start to explore this?
Dear Explorative Mama,
I get it. You’re craving a rush of adrenaline. After years together, sex becomes more routine than a roller coaster, more familiar than fantastic. Your flame has reduced to a flicker.
Or, maybe you’re just looking to add more fuel to your fire?
Whatever the case, congratulations on giving yourself permission to bring your fantasies to life. Exploring a fantasy scenario together is a little bit like bungee jumping in the bedroom: exciting and thrilling. Indulging in your fantasies will have you and your partner feeling brave, and inspired–play reignites the erotic flames of your sex life.
Incorporating BDSM into one's sex life isn’t something one just DOES.
Before diving right in, there are a few questions you should explore on your own: What about BDSM is exciting to you? Is it the idea of role-playing and taking a break from your reality as a wife/mom? Or is it about giving up or taking control and playing with power dynamics? Is it the idea of experimentation alone? Is it the creativity that could come with all the new and exciting props and tools? Or simply the idea of sexual surrender?
Whatever it is, take some time to further drill down into your desires so that you’re prepared to share your “why” when you chat with your husband.
Exploring intimate fantasies takes a lot of trust, communication, and yes, even courage. It requires a willingness to invite a sense of adventure into your relationship and …
It all begins with communication.
Communication is the KEY. In a neutral space where you both feel safe to speak openly, have a convo with your husband about expanding your sexual horizons. Share your desires, and talk about what aspects of BDSM you want to explore.
Talk about how you think you’ll feel and the satisfaction and pleasure that can come from your joint exploration. Whether you want to be a “dom” (have more control) or the “sub” (surender control), explain why this is something you want to explore together.
As you discuss, note what turns you both on. If there is a natural, easy division of roles, great. If not, consider taking turns.
After talking, it’s time to tiptoe into BDSM play.
It’s best to start small when exploring anything new in your sex life, especially if there's any hesitation or nervousness.
So take it one step at a time. Start simple with something like a blindfold that allows the wearer to explore the feeling of giving up control. Adding a feather for some gentle sensation play can give your “top” an additional sense of control. If that feels good, go further by incorporating soft handcuffs, then layer in a paddle or a flogger.
Ensure you’re always communicating with, “This feels good, Let's go further” or “Let’s slow down/stop” – don’t worry about expressing why in the moment.
Don’t forget safe words.
Yes, safe words are really a thing! It’s critical that as you explore kinkier play, you have a communication system that helps you differentiate what’s part of play and what is meant to communicate that a boundary has been crossed.
If you’re playing out a fantasy where you’re being dominated against your will (this is common), then you might use the words “no” and “stop” as PART of your roleplay. That’s why it’s crucial to choose a word that will not be used in your scene. Discuss your safe word in advance and be clear beforehand what happens if the word is used.
Some members of the BDSM community will use multiple safe words, such as “red” meaning an immediate stop and “yellow” meaning slow down or "I like this, but tone it down!" However, safe words can be anything: Thermometer! Piano! Cookie!
Hit a favorite sex shop.
If you and the hubs are positive you want to explore but still aren't sure exactly what to do, head to your favorite sex shop. Whether online or in-person, browse the BDSM section. Read the descriptions together. What intrigues/repels you? This is a good way to start understanding your turn-ons as they relate to this new area of sexual exploration.
If the budget is tight, don’t feel you NEED to spend … sometimes just the act of browsing is enough. You can always use what you already have in the house: an ice cube, a silk neck tie, or even a wooden spoon can become the perfect prop.
Get back to talking and embrace aftercare.
After playing, it’s important to talk about it. What was your experience like? How did/do you both feel? Is there something you want more of, that you can improve upon, or did something fall flat? Was there anything that felt uncomfortable, physically or emotionally?
Discuss with your husband exactly how everything went, and decide if this is something you want to explore further.
If you are going to continue, having a discussion about aftercare is important. Aftercare is exactly what it sounds like: It's how you’ll care for each other after a scene has ended – especially important for more intense play.
Mama, a friendly reminder: Whenever someone decides to introduce something new in the bedroom, there can be all sorts of feelings that arise.
Listen to your man and express your feelings too.
Keep in mind that whether you two become enthralled with the world of BDSM or not, you don’t have to play each time you get intimate. There's nothing wrong with some classic vanilla!
Best of luck! Have fun! 😉
XO,
Dana
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Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
