Dear Fearing His Folks,
I understand that the prospect of your in-laws moving in may feel daunting. Will they criticize how you cook? How you discipline the kids? Or wash the dishes?
Will they judge how you relate to your partner?
And how the heck are you going to find privacy when now there are two more people in your home?
Yes, you’ll have to navigate through a multitude of things, but I encourage you to embrace a shift in attitude here. Instead of looking at this situation with dread, look to it as a celebration — HELLO, FREE CHILD CARE!
OK, I get that you’re giving up a lot, so perhaps it’s not actually free, but having your in-laws move in can bring some definite bonuses to your relationship with your partner that you may not have realized yet.
Grandparents are built-in babysitters.
If you think your in-laws moving in is the worst thing that could happen, you’re overlooking a significant benefit. Now that the grandparents are around, you can have more alone time with your spouse.
That means you can schedule a weekly date night without having to make 15 phone calls to track down an available teenager, or promise to watch your neighbor's 3-year-old in exchange for a night out.
They’re also adventure leaders.
Beyond staying home to watch the kids, grandparents love to take them on adventures. Whether it’s a trip to the zoo or simply a treasure hunt around the neighborhood, your in-laws provide a way to get the children out of the house without you or your spouse. And with the kids and your in-laws out of the house, you know what that leaves time for? A whole lot of kid-free sexy time!
Make this work to your advantage even more by having the in-laws take the kids out every week at the same time. Then you can plan for some intimacy and know it’s going to happen. Because you’re not too tired. Because you know the kids are busy. Because you’ve been thinking about uninterrupted alone time all week, and now you can make it happen!
If the idea of scheduling sex turns you off, I want to offer two quick tips to make it more romantic and exciting and less like a chore. First, celebrate the sex you do have by verbally affirming your pleasure and your excitement: “Babe, that orgasm felt soooo good.” And then, start planning the next week’s lovemaking while you’re still in the aftermath of pleasure: “That felt so amazing. Next week, I’d like to try the reverse cowgirl position/my new toy/etc.”
3 tips to stay sane while living with in-laws:
The fact is, living with your in-laws is going to come with some ups and downs. But you can smooth out the process by following these three tips:
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Before your in-laws move in, talk to your partner about what kind of house rules you need so that appropriate boundaries can be in place. Once the in-laws move in, talk to them about the rules and ask if there’s anything they would like to add. (After all, they have boundaries, too.)
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Schedule weekly family meetings, and put them on the calendar. Let every adult in the house know they’re expected to attend. Each week, discuss any issues that have arisen, and work together to develop a plan to address them.
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Plan a private weekly check-in with your spouse. This allows you to have a conversation to air any resentments that may be building as everyone adapts to the new living situation. Remember, the only way you can get your needs met is by verbalizing them to your partner — and that starts by having a conversation.
Find the positives.
While having the in-laws move in can feel scary and stressful, when you attempt to see the positives, it can actually be a huge boost to your relationship with your partner and the intimacy you share.
XOXO,
Dana
ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:
Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?
How Can My Partner and I Stop Arguing and Get Closer?
I Want to Push Boundaries in the Bedroom, But What If I Freak Out My Spouse?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
