Dear Sinderella,
Exchanging sexual favors for chores, otherwise known as "choreplay,” is a thing. But is it a good one?
On the one hand, engaging in choreplay is a surefire way to get more help around the house from your partner while genuinely revving up your mojo. (Remember that fun book called Porn for Women where hunky men vacuumed, unloaded the dishwasher, and took out the trash? Yeah, a clean house that you didn’t clean is totally a turn on.)
But on the other hand, could the idea of choreplay create an unhealthy dynamic that makes sex feel transactional? Possibly.
Here's my take …
I really appreciate how my husband steps it up with household chores and goes the extra mile to share the domestic load without me asking (or, at least without me nagging). It makes me feel seen and valued and supported.
And does my appreciation fuel my attraction to him? Absolutely. Appreciation heightens attraction, whereas resentment erodes it.
So, as an energetic exchange, where a partner steps up to take the load off his wife, and this genuinely turns her on, I’m ALL for having a romp in the bed he just made!
But a point system isn't ideal.
When this kind of choreplay becomes an official scorekeeping tool in a relationship — as in “I’ll give you sex, but only if you make the bed” — well, I think that any kind of scorekeeping can become dangerous for intimacy. Using sex as a bargaining tool can quickly evolve into using sex as a weapon, and that can lead to an unhealthy power dynamic.
Here’s the bottom line:
If you’re in a loving relationship, your partner should be pitching in around the house without being asked, and without you needing to dangle a reward.
But if he needs a little extra motivation and you’re up for trying out “choreplay” because it would genuinely increase your arousal? Then I say go for it.
Here’s a few ideas for you to get started:
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Engage in choreplay for “special projects” only. You know, the ones you really don’t want to touch, like assembling an Ikea dresser or unearthing all those boxes that’ve been stuffed in your dusty attic for 11 years. Because, if you think about it, who doesn’t need a little extra motivation to do big projects like this?
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Be playful about it. Flirt with your partner when making your "deals." You might wrap your arms around him and, in your best come-hither voice, say: “Babe, those boxes are just dying to be touched. Kinda like me for when you’re all finished. See you at 6 in the bedroom, you hot, sexy helper man.” Even better if you say this while wearing something you know turns him on, like your favorite nightie or a top that shows off your cleavage. Press yourself against him, plant a kiss, and keep the humor going with something like, “Be sure to think dirty thoughts while you’re cleaning that dirty attic!” Or, check in mid-project and say: “Oooh, yes, you screw those shelves together baby. Just like that. Right there. Do it a little harder. Yes!” Humor and over-the-top flirtation will feel so much more encouraging than nagging, for the both of you.
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Create a “choreplay challenge.” Instead of one-way choreplay, tackle the biggest projects together. Book a sitter to take the kids out of the house for a few hours to work through the toughest chores as a team. I know, I know … pay for a babysitter so you can do chores? Yes, I said that. But hear me out. If you book a sitter for four hours, then you can be strategic and carve out time for intimacy, too. Bust through the hard work fast, in 2 1/2 hours. Take 30 to shower and reset. And then use the last 60 minutes of kid-free time to make love. With this approach, you’re getting your chores done together while also having a romantic moment to look forward to. And with the right mindset? That’s a juicy carrot dangled for the both of you.
I hope this softer approach to choreplay helps you get more of the domestic help you desire, while also strengthening the intimacy and pleasure in your relationship!
XOXO,
Dana
ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:
How Do I Get Better at Asking for What Turns Me On If I'm Slightly Embarrassed?
My Partner & I Have Issues Communicating. How Can We Stop Arguing & Get Closer?
Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
