Life as a new mom can leave you wondering if and how you will enjoy sex again. You might find that even when you and your partner find time to be alone (and stay awake), your mind just can’t let you get in the mood.
Maybe the fun times start, but then a very unsexy barrage of questions invades your brain: Did you remember to put the snow shoes in your daughter’s school backpack? What day next week are the kids’ doctors’ appointments again? How are you going to find time to make two dozen birthday cupcakes for the class birthday party?
You may have heard the term “mom brain,” which describes how moms’ thinking changes after becoming a parent. Along with real structural changes to the brain, the heavy mental load that moms often carry can impact their ability to focus on other things, including sex.
We mined Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life for ideas on how to turn off our brains and turn on our bodies. Here are 5 strategies she recommends for how to enjoy sex again.
1. Manage your feelings of stress.
Nagoski talks about sexual inhibitors, which are things that make you hit the brakes sexually. For moms, stress is a major culprit.
Stress doesn’t just interfere with getting in the mood, however. Nagoski explains that stress can physically block the ability to relax enough to enjoy sex. “When you’re stressed out, your brain interprets just about everything as a potential threat,” she says.
How stress impacts our brains and bodies goes back to our early days as humans — we can’t discern the difference between mental and physical stress.
Fortunately, there are steps you can take to “turn off” those stress alarms in your brain that may be preventing you from enjoying sex.
“Do things that communicate to your body, ‘You have escaped and survived!'” Nagoski suggests. Have you ever seen an animal shake after being chased by prey? Our bodies work the same way, so doing something physical can send a signal to stop the stress pathway.
Here are some things she recommends:
- Physical activity
- Sharing affection
- A primal scream or a good cry
- Progressive muscle relaxation or other sensorimotor mediation
- Body self-care, like grooming, massage, or doing your nails
Releasing the stress physically in your body helps signal your brain that it’s ok to relax — and move into other activities, such as sex.
2. Make a plan for having great sex.
Before the next time you have sex, think about what can help you feel turned on. What are you going to do that will help you turn off your brain? What are some go-to strategies you have that have worked in the past?
Nagoski gives a lot more detail on this in the book, but the basic gist is to have an easy-to-access plan for getting in the mood when the moment is right.
For many parents, there isn’t a lot of time and luxury to set the stage for sex every time. You often have to jump in when there’s a moment. So what’s your plan for getting in the mood and enjoying that sex?
3. Try on the identity of a woman who loves sex.
When you’re having sex, you need to connect with a different identity — a woman who loves sex, which might feel at odds with your identity as a mom.
Your conflicting identities are an opportunity to do some important work, according to Nagoski.
“If you find it difficult to embody the identity of a woman who loves sex, that’s crucial information,” she notes. “Think about what makes that identity such an uncomfortable fit.”
And then, do something about it. Try exploring some things that make you feel sexy, such as highlighting a body part you love or buying a new bra in your favorite color.
Easier said than done, Nagoski admits. But it’s worth doing, not just for the sex but for you as a person.
4. Practice mindfulness.
Learning how to stay in the moment may be a strategy to help you enjoy sex again because it can bring you back to the present.
“Notice what you’re paying attention to, and then shift your attention to the thing you want to pay attention to,” Nagoski says.
While that can be challenging for moms to do, she recommends an exercise that can help you practice mindfulness. And as a bonus, it can be practiced anywhere, at any time:
- Let yourself notice your breathing.
- Observe your breathing going in. Pause.
- Next, observe your breath going out.
- Repeat for two breaths.
- Try this mindfulness exercise 5 to 10 times a day.
Notice when your attention wanders during those two breaths. That’s normal. The key to this exercise is that when you notice your mind wandering, smile at those other thoughts, let them go, and gently return your attention to what you want it to be.
The more you practice mindfulness, the easier for you to turn your attention away from your thoughts and back to intimacy with your partner.
5. Give yourself permission to enjoy sex again.
Nagoski writes about a woman who compares her feelings about sexy pleasure with her feelings about the pleasure she gets from being a mom.
“It’s not selfish of me to enjoy being with my kid — enjoying it makes me a better parent,” the woman explained. “So how come I can give myself permission to have that pleasure, but I can’t give myself permission to enjoy other kinds of pleasure?”
Think about whether consciously or unconsciously you are denying yourself that permission. And remember, you are the only one who can grant it. What are you waiting for? The answer to how to enjoy sex again may just be up to you.
But that being said, it’s also always a good idea to speak to a healthcare professional too. Many legitimate and treatable issues could impact your sex life, from depression to hormonal conditions, so don’t hesitate to reach out for help when you need it.
