Society has long portrayed the calm and docile mother stereotype through sitcoms and daytime television, though everyday motherhood looks vastly different. Meanwhile, social media users are quick to judge when a mom loses her cool out in public or raises her voice. And even the latest "gentle parenting" trend has left very little room for mothers to feel, well, frustration or any emotion less than positive, for that matter.
Imagine you’re a parent cooking dinner. The TV is loudly blaring in the background, the dog is barking, a toddler is crying at your feet, water is boiling on the stove, and you hear your phone notifications going off. Your environment is loud and chaotic, and you feel irritated, stressed, and anxious. You suddenly find yourself on the verge of screaming or crying, and depending on which, you may be dealing with mom rage or overstimulation like many other mothers, and that's OK.
Many of moms lack the support we need and to have our needs met, and our daily lives are often filled with situations that are loud and chaotic. This can lead to experiencing mom rage and overstimulation.
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Mom rage can manifest as intense or uncontrollable anger often stemming from overwhelm or unmet needs.
When a mom loses her cool and explodes, seemingly out of nowhere over something that may seem small and trivial, it’s easy to judge the situation without knowing the full story of what’s going on. Experts, however, say that something is happening beneath the surface. Jen Reddish, a registered therapeutic counselor, explained how an outburst stems from other underlying issues.
“If basic needs like getting enough sleep and eating properly aren’t being met, you’re going to have a hard time dealing with any emotion, let alone rage,” Reddish explained, per Today’s Parent. “That’s how it builds up: unprocessed emotions and experiences) along with unmet needs. And the tipping point often feels ridiculous. You keep your calm all day, then your child asks for a snack before dinner, and you explode.”
Mom rage also can be a sign or symptom of postpartum depression.
Though mom rage is often a response to the stresses of parenting, it can signal postpartum depression. Anger can be a very common emotion to experience during the postpartum period after giving birth.
“Rage is one of the most common symptoms we hear about," Lisa Tremayne, director of the Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders Center at Monmouth Medical Center New Jersey, said via Healthline. "Often women feel an additional level of shame in admitting these feelings, which makes them feel unsafe in seeking treatment. It prevents them from getting the support they need.”
Overstimulation can appear similar to mom rage because they both stem from the same cause.
Parenting and motherhood can bring up many situations that affect emotional well-being. Similar to mom rage, overstimulation can stem from being unsupported and having unmet needs. It can happen when you have too much going on and everything can feel heightened — the pressure and weight of all the responsibilities that come with parenting and your ability to handle them strained.
But overstimulation is more than an emotional response; it is also physiological. “An overstimulated mom is someone who is constantly in an excited state. This excited state raises your pulse, increases your blood pressure, and surges your cortisol levels,” noted registered nurse Amanda Lundberg, per Mom.com.
Here’s how you tell if your frustration is mom rage or overstimulation.
Although overstimulation and mom rage have overlapping signs and emotions, such as frustration, some key differences exist. Mom rage can be a sudden overpowering anger in response to being triggered by an event or situation. Overstimulation is an overpowering feeling of being overwhelmed in response to sensory overload and too many responsibilities.
If you find yourself feeling like you are lashing out at others more than usual and having intense feelings of anger, you are most likely experiencing mom rage. If you find yourself having difficulty concentrating or wanting to escape and feeling exhausted or anxious, you are probably experiencing overstimulation. A survey showed 1 in 3 moms felt stressed or overwhelmed by their parenting responsibilities, per MD Live. Though it may feel or seem taboo, these are common feelings many mothers experience and deal with, and there are coping strategies.
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Understanding and identifying triggers is the first step.
As a parent, you know the specific situations with your kids that can trigger frustration that manifests as rage or overstimulation. Maybe dinnertime is particularly chaotic and stressful. Or noisy toys getting thrown in the backseat and loud noises such as bickering, whining, and screaming coming from your kids while driving in the car is a particular trigger.
Identifying what these moments are can help you to be better prepared to face them mentally and allow you to make necessary adjustments to your schedule or routine.
Next, give yourself a ‘time-out’ break.
Second, taking a break during a heated or overwhelming moment to prevent an explosion is another coping technique for when you experience mom rage. If you feel like you're going to explode if you hear your name said one more time, then that could be a sign you are experiencing mom rage. If you find yourself struggling to focus or notice you are always feeling overwhelmed or anxious, then that can be a sign of overstimulation.
Fortunately, taking a break is helpful for both because the same way taking a quick break to calm down can be helpful for toddlers can be helpful for adults and parents.
Prioritize your sleep and rest however you can. Sleeplessness contributes to increased stress levels and makes it difficult to regulate your emotions.
Sensory overload can contribute to feelings of panic (overstimulation) or rage (mom rage) and this can be heightened when you are not getting adequate sleep. Studies have shown that people experiencing sleep deprivation reported an increase in negative emotions such as anger, frustration, irritability, and sadness, per Medical News Today. This is understandable, as it’s not easy to stay calm and patient when you can’t think clearly because you only had a few hours of broken or interrupted sleep the night before.
Although certain seasons of parenting may be more sleepless than others, such as when you have a teething baby or a toddler going through sleep regression, ask for outside help when you can. Maybe that looks like asking family or relatives or a partner to step in on the weekends or throughout the week to help with the children so you can catch up on your rest.
Practicing mindfulness can help with the frustration experienced with mom rage and overstimulation.
Meditation is a proven technique to help incorporate more calm and emotional regulation into your life.
Laura Markham, a New York-based clinical psychologist and parenting coach, recommends doing guided meditations everyday to help retrain your brain. "When you need to calm down, you can draw on that wiring. Even sticky notes around your house saying 'breathe' can help,” Markham said via Today’s Parent.
Lastly, don't forget to seek support no matter where your frustration stems from.
When you find that you're experiencing mom rage or overstimulation, it’s important to seek support, whether it’s asking for help from a loved one or friend or getting help from a medical health professional, especially if you are experiencing other emotions alongside anger or overwhelm such as grief or anxiety.
Individual counseling also can help identify if some of your triggers stem from past trauma or events. Speaking with a therapist or counselor also may help mothers to improve their communication skills, per Bold Health. Taking care of yourself by seeking additional support will help you to better respond to and care for your loved ones.
Moms on social media are making it more acceptable to talk about mom rage and overstimulation because it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Some mothers have taken to social media to change the narrative around motherhood and break the stigma of being overstimulated or experiencing mom rage. Libby Ward, the mother and creator behind the account @diaryofanhonestmom on TikTok, has built a whole community and brand around discussing these topics.
In the caption of her TikTok video on mom rage, she writes, “Once again, the problem is calling it a blanket term like 'mom rage' is that we’re not identifying the actual emotion we’re feeling and we’re also not addressing any of the causes. We will continue to explode, react, and get triggered at the same rate if we fail to truly see what’s going on underneath the surface. It might look like you’re snapping at one thing, but there’s likely an iceberg of things going on that have contributed to it.”
Remember, it’s OK to ask for help and support as a mom and to take care of yourself. By understanding the differences between mom rage and overstimulation, as well as their underlying causes, you can identify your triggers and acquire the tools you need to regulate your emotions in a moment of frustration.
