Dear Dana,
I'm pregnant and as I get bigger sex is gettting, well, awkward. Any tips on the best positions and ways to get in and stay in the zone even though it feels like we're not alone?
Hey beauty,
Congratulations on growing a life inside of you!
Whether you’re a first-time mom or a seasoned pro, having a baby is a big freakin deal. As a mom of two myself, I know all of this well! And as a mom who also happens to be a sex expert, well, I know a thing or two about intimacy, libido, and the logistics of pregnancy and postpartum sex, and how it can feel problematic to us and our partners in both strange and surprising ways.
First, as your body gets bigger, of course things can become a little awkward!
Positions you once loved might suddenly feel uncomfortable. Your larger-than-normal uterus is sitting in a lower position in your pelvis, and sex is bound to feel different because of it.
It’s also possible to experience actual pain during sex as your body grows. Ouch! This is because, during pregnancy, there is more blood flowing in your pelvic area, which can cause increased sensitivity. This may create discomfort during pregnancy one day … or wild orgasmic pleasure the next! All of which can be confusing and frustrating.
And then, there’s our moods and fluctuating libido to take into consideration.
One minute you might not be able to keep your hands off your partner and the next you might not want to touch your partner with a 10-foot pole.
It’s also likely that you’re becoming preoccupied with thoughts on which stroller to buy, which bottles to use, and what will happen to your sanity when you’re up all night doing feedings, none of which is exactly a big turn-on.
With all of this combined, you might feel that the baby is driving a wedge — both literally and figuratively — into your sex life!
The good news is that sex during pregnancy can be a beautiful and exciting aspect of your relationship, one that brings you and your partner closer.
But let’s be real clear — you don’t have to have actual INTERCOURSE when you’re not feeling up for it. There are lots of ways you and your spouse can create satisfying intimacy that helps you both relax, feel connected, and strengthen your communication before the baby comes.
So, let’s get to it, then!
Here are a few awesome pregnancy sex positions, ideas for non-penetrative pleasure, and some “mojo mind tricks” to help you get and stay in the zone while getting the pleasure and connection you deserve.
Positions: Try these positions to see what works for you as your belly grows and grows.
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Woman on top.
By sitting on top of your partner and straddling your legs, you give yourself maximum control over penetration – of the pace and depth, as well as the positioning of your C-spot against them for ideal friction and pleasure. Lean forward with your forearms resting on the headboard or back with your hands your partner’s thighs — whatever helps you feel most supported and satisfied. A bonus of this position for your partner? They’ll get a beautiful view of your ample, growing, and super sexy bustline. Be confident and flaunt what Mother Nature is giving you! -
Reverse cowgirl.
Reverse cowgirl is the same as “woman on top”, except the pregnant woman on top is facing away from her partner. What I love about this is that your belly is free from being compressed against your partner in the forward-facing position AND that you have unrestricted access to stimulate your C-spot in a way that can feel amazing. So consider bringing in a small toy or get your hand ready to pleasure yourself in this one! -
Spooning.
Spooning is a very popular pregnancy position! You can get super comfy lying on your side – even with a pillow or blanket between your legs to take the pressure off your back – and your partner can lovingly curl up and enter you from behind. This position feels romantic and loving and keeps the pressure off your belly. Your partner can reach around to stimulate your C-spot, or you can go ahead and self-service freely in this position too. In the last few months of pregnancy, you might gravitate towards spooning because, let’s be honest, it doesn’t require a whole lot of energy. You can simply relax and receive pleasure … and then fall asleep for a nap after.
Non-penetrative pleasure: Try these ideas any time penetrative sex feels off the table for you.
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Oral or manual pleasure.
Pleasure by oral or manual stimulation is a fabulous factor in any couple’s sex life. I’m sure this isn’t breaking news to you, but sometimes couples can get stuck in a routine where sex = penetration. But pregnancy could be the catalyst for exploring new oral and manual techniques for the both of you! Make a date where you research “best oral and manual pleasure techniques” online and then try out what you learned. Feel free to take turns too, i.e., one day you give, the next time you receive. It’s not mandatory that you both reach orgasm every single time you’re intimate! If you’re giving, take pleasure in giving pleasure. And if you’re receiving, it’s OK to chill and watch your partner finish themselves off! (That can be really hot too.) -
Kiss each other.
Somehow, kissing takes a back burner to intercourse in long-term relationships. Have you noticed that? But kissing is sensual and seductive, and it can do wonders for keeping you and your partner connected when you’re not in the mood for pregnancy sex. So take 10 minutes to really kiss each other. Bring variety to your kisses: soft and gentle, long and wet, deep and intense, or a combination of all of them. You can even use your eyelashes to give butterfly kisses or rub noses with your special someone. If you want to bring it to the next level, try a kiss with a bit of ice or cold water, bubbly soda, Pop Rocks, or even warm water to surprise your lover with your new sensual skills. -
Sensual massage.
For the moments where you want to be touched but aren’t interested in actual sex, ask your partner for a sensual massage. Bring out massage oils and tell your partner all the sore spots you want them to focus their loving attention on. If you feel up for it, return the favor and treat them to a sexy rubdown in return.
Mojo Mind Tricks: Try these communication practices and affirmation exercises to help you get in the mood for pleasure and connection, no matter how pregnant you are.
- Talk it out.
You may not think of “talking” as a way to get in the mood with your partner, but a few flirty questions can really warm you up to the idea of sensual connection.
Focus your questions on scintillating memories and exciting fantasies. And stay close to your partner as you take turns asking and answering the following questions:
Do you remember the first time we had sex?
Do you ever have naughty thoughts about me?
Is there someplace you'd like to have sex that we haven't yet?
What do I do that turns you on the most?
What do you find sexy about my pregnant body? About our shared experience of becoming parents?
Communication is KEY to any healthy relationship, and it’s even more important to keep it strong during the “pregnant phase” of your marriage. Sharing intimate conversations like this can be the glue that binds you together romantically when so many of your other conversations are shifting toward babies, babies, babies …
- Give yourself a pep talk.
It can be easy to get distracted during sex, right? We let our minds wander to our To Do lists, where we need to be next, what’s for dinner, etc. And that can swiftly take us out of the moment and out of our pleasure.
It’s even harder if your mind is wandering to whether or not the little one inside you can hear (or feel!) what’s happening between you and your partner.
If that thought crosses your mind and takes you out of the moment, simply take three deep breaths and repeat this mantra silently:
“My body is beautiful. I am relaxed. I deserve pleasure. And I lean into this moment with my love.”
Repeat that until you feel calmer and can bring yourself back into the present moment with the partner you love.
There’s A LOT to consider, but don’t get overwhelmed. Focus on yourself, on self-care, on investing in your relationship — and just try one of the positions or tools in here that feel right to you.
Good luck, mama-to-be!
XOXO,
Dana
Ask Dana: When It Comes To Talking Dirty, How Do I Get My Husband to Step His Game Up?
Ask Dana: If My Husband Wants Sex and I Don't, Should I Do It Anyway?
My Husband and I Have Sex Every Two Weeks — Are We Getting It On Enough?
Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].
