Ask Dana: My Partner Never Says What He Wants in the Bedroom. What Can I Do?

Prostock-Studio/iStock

Hi “Don’t Know What To Do,”

And thank you for your question. Before I answer it, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Many couples struggle to communicate their needs and wants in the bedroom.

I have a simple communication exercise that can radically change how you and your partner approach conversations about sex and intimacy, and offers a way for both of you to feel empowered.

Take a deep breath, because today, I want you to communicate your desires.

Communicating your wants and needs, and hearing your partner’s in return, is essential to you both feeling fulfilled and satisfied in your relationship.

Here’s how you make it happen.

Be willing to be open and honest.

If you and your partner don’t discuss sex often, you might feel shy to openly talk about your desires, but it’s time to set that feeling of awkwardness aside. There’s no reason to be embarrassed to talk to your partner about sex and intimacy, and vice versa.

Being vulnerable enough to engage in this type of conversation can significantly improve the trust in your relationship, which in turn, allows you to have deeper and more meaningful sex explorations.

Prepare for the conversation.

SDI Productions/iStock

To make this sex talk easy and productive, focus on the positives instead of talking about what's not happening or why you're unhappy.

So don’t say, “You never tell me what you want.” Instead, try, “I’d love to know what you want in bed, so we can be more intimate and experience more pleasure together.”

Think about these questions and journal your responses. Give your partner a copy of the questions, too, so you can discuss them together.

• What feels good in our sex life right now? It can be the frequency, playfulness, quality of your orgasms, favorite positions, or anything else that you enjoy.

• What challenges stand in the way of better sex? It may be differences in libido, not understanding what turns each other on, lack of initiation, or trouble orgasming. Don’t be shy. Be honest. Stand in your truth. And trust your partner will do the same.

• What is one specific sexual request you’d like to ask your partner? Give your partner one concrete example. For instance, say, “I want to kiss more.” Stay away from vague statements, such as, “I want you to make me feel special.”

• What kind of sexual energy would you like to experiment with? Perhaps you’d like to explore a specific kink, or maybe you want more romantic sex. However you see your ideal sex life, write it down.

• How can we create a sex life that feels exciting and compassionate for the long haul? Again, list specific, actionable items you could do to create the sex life you want. This may include regular, positive discussions about sex, spending more time together, or ways to keep sex fun and lighthearted. Don’t limit yourself on ideas!

Sit down with your partner.

It’s time to talk with your partner. Not when you’re naked and in bed. And not at the end of the day when you’re exhausted. Instead, have this talk when neither of you is expecting sex. And do it fully clothed, sitting up, in the kitchen or living room.

Break the ice with a few sexy and fun conversations. Ask your lover questions like, "What’s your favorite sex position?" Or, "What’s your favorite spot to be kissed?" Or, "What’s the most memorable sex we’ve ever had?"

Engage in some real talk.

At this point, hopefully, your nervousness is gone, and you’re having some sexy fun. Circle the conversation back to the discussion at hand. Start by taking turns sharing your answers.

Remember, now is not the time for resentments or past complaints. This talk is about where you want your sex life to go. So be positive. Be open. And leave judgment out of the conversation. Don’t forget to give your partner the same courtesy you’d like him to bestow on you.

Keep the conversation going.

Once you’ve opened up this conversation, keep it going. Schedule monthly (or even weekly) check-ins. Regularly ask your lover how they could be more satisfied in your relationship. See this exercise as the first step to discovering pleasure and intimacy. The more you share, the better things become, and the more satisfied you will become!

So talk to your partner. Listen to them. And work together to create a sex life that you’ve both dreamed about!

XOXO,

Dana

ICYMI, check out some of my previous columns:

Sleep Sounds Better Than Sex Most Nights. How Do I Get My Libido Back?

How Can My Partner and I Stop Arguing and Get Closer?

I Want to Push Boundaries in the Bedroom, But What If I Freak Out My Spouse?

Dana B. Myers is the founder of Booty Parlor and author of The Mommy Mojo Makeover. Ask Dana your burning relationship questions at [email protected].